Power of Vulnerability

I have recently come to re-discover the power of vulnerability and I have to say, after overcoming the anxiety/shame mountain associated with this type of choice, I am surprisingly feeling more happy, grateful, peaceful and connected. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

 

Some History on Me

When I was young, I was very timid and shy. Reflecting back now, I was anxious back then as well due to the circumstances of my life. As I went to high school, and stayed in the same school for more than a year for the first time and was surprisingly accepted instead of bullied, I began to discover what friendship is really like. It was amazing to me that these wonderful people liked me, accepted me, and wanted to get to know me better. Whether acquaintances or long term friends, I was very lucky to be in an environment, for the first time, where I could begin to explore who I was.

I learned that I loved to share. I was curious, caring, affectionate. And most of the time, this vulnerability was met with care and compassion. But after my friendship with my best friend fell apart, the person with whom I was most vulnerable, I became guarded but still open to the possibility of positive friendships, just maybe not ones where I was completely open.

Through university, I eventually formed friendships, often keeping my deepest darkest to myself and only sharing the good in my life. Slowly, I began to share with some close friends that I saw all the time, and many years later I became more vulnerable even with the deepest and darkest. But again, after the end of another friendship where I was the most vulnerable version of myself, I started to wonder what I was doing wrong. Was I sharing too much, was I expecting too much, was I too overwhelming?

 

What I’ve learned Since

Maybe yes. Maybe for some, my vulnerable self was misunderstood. And yes, maybe at times I expected too much from my closest, and maybe yes, I needed to learn to self-soothe so I wouldn’t need others as much. But ….. these are all expected growing pains of people with trauma and attachment issues.

But although it was important to learn these things, being more guarded, independent, self-sufficient came with cons too. Although I did not ‘overwhelm’ others, which I have now learned was more-so my perception than theirs, I also did not share my inner-self with them. And people who truly love me, as corny as it may sound, want to see what’s inside.

Due to circumstances, I re-opened myself up to potential rejection, and became my transparent self again. I felt scared and afraid that I would lose friends if I became too comfortable and shared too often, or be judged/misunderstood like in the past. But I had been too strong for too long, and gave into asking for help.

And to my surprise, I was encompassed in so much love, care, affection, understanding, non-judgement that writing about it now, couple years later, still brings me to tears. The healing power of allowing my true self to show, the good, bad and ugly, allowing myself to not be perfect, to share my not so diplomatic/politically correct thoughts, was not only freeing and uplifting but also just so beautiful.

The happiest times in my life I now realize were not those because I was young or stress free, but because I was optimistic, present and vulnerable.

Connection with others, taught me that vulnerability is an amazing thing. I touched others in my time of need, and allowed them to help me heal. We all healed together. I became even more close to those I considered as family, and this connection is invaluable to me. For a person who has been ridden with shame due to abuse most of her life, this was another experience where I healed and was reminded that I deserve respect, unconditional love and affection.

And most importantly there is no shortage of love Β in this world.

Brene Brown’s research is quite accurate for me. Vulnerability is an act of everyday courage and brings connection, gratitude, love, joy and peace into our lives.

Chit Chat.

Minimalist South Asian

As time has been passing on, and I continue on my journey in life, I have developed a lot of positive values πŸ™‚ YAYY!! πŸ™‚

minimalismOne that has been so helpful, is really practicing minimalism. Given that I am an organizational freak …. that is how it started. After having to organize my things all the time, I began to realize how much time and energy was being sucked up by just maintaining my things!

After reading ‘the power of now’ by Ekhart Tolle and ‘the art of tidying up’ I further realized how focusing on these items was not only taking energy and time, but space in my mind, my life, leading to more stress, less happiness. And, the more I reflected, the more I realized that many of these items were not bringing me happiness but were a form of attachment to something from the past.

SO — over the last 1.5 years, I have gotten rid of more than half of my wardrobe, jewellery, etc. I’m still working on my shoes ……shoes….. Β I love my shoes that I never wear πŸ˜› πŸ˜› Like I said, its a work in progress πŸ˜› And I am loving the increase in peace of mind I have gained with the loss of items. I am loving the time I have to put towards myself, the de-cluttering of my mind, thinking more clearly, being more present, being less stressed, and of course, doing less chores!!

BUT, to be expected, is resistance. I am getting resistance from the south asian culture. With wedding season coming up, I am getting resistance from family members who want me to want to buy new clothes, dress up like a super model, and to like it. This is not who I am anymore. Yes, when I was younger, I enjoyed feeling like a fancy princess, wearing clothes only once with matching jewellery and shoes. Now, I have a lot of indian clothes to donate, as no matter what the rationalization, they just don’t get worn enough! I truly now feel bad for the clothes 😦 Not to mention, the potential child labour that goes along with it and impact on the environment.

So, I am doing my best to fight the confusion, the push back, the peer pressure to fit in and be materialistic as well. But, the joys I get from minimalism far out way the pleasures of dressing like a princess. I still love nice things from time to time, but I put my energy into versatile items that will get enough wear out of it. Until then, I am enjoying wearing my dresses to Indian functions as well as out for dinner. And some versatile indian clothes that I will wear for years to come, in limited numbers, is what I am focusing on. And the interesting and ironic part is that although our culture overtime has become focused on grandeur, our various religions continue to encourage minimalism! So spirituality all the way, there are clear benefits for increasing peace, time and meaning in life. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

What do you think?

 

Chit Chat.