Today, watching the sunshine creep in through my translucent red drapes, listening to music, staring at a pile of my laundry, I realized, this is what happiness feels like. I can say that I have reconnected with the pure joy that I have always longed for and for a while it disappears at times. Today, I have realized it has reappeared, and that I am satisfied and happy with my choices in life and everything that I have to be grateful for.
This being said, no one would know, that less than 48 hours ago, I had received unwanted contact from my past abuser. How he obtained my contact info is still a mystery, but what is clear, is that I am no longer a helpless child. My heart was beating out of my chest when his message and face appeared on my cell phone what’s app box, and I hoped to god it was someone else. The fear that has been stored in my body returned will full force, I can say, sitting here in another country miles away from my abuser, I still felt scared.
But, thanks with the help of counselling, I was able to recognize my fear for what it was — a survival skill from the past coming back with the memories. I reminded myself that I am no longer helpless, I am no longer in danger and this sad sad sad person has absolutely no hold over my life. In fact, the only thing he deserves is pity (and maybe some hatred). So I did what my brave but feisty nine year old self wanted to do a long time ago – stand up for myself. I not only told him where to go but also how little he was worth. I think for this one, a little immaturity and anger will suffice.
Then I remembered what I’ve learned from Ekhart Tolle, the power of now. That is right. I then quickly reminded myself that this person does not deserve to take away another moment of my happiness away from me and moved along with my life – accomplishing lots at work, spending quality time with myself and my loved ones. So today, watching the sunshine in my apartment, I remember, how lucky I am and how special I really am.