I began with reading like everyone else. But since grade 1, I was the kid that had to come home and immediately do her homework, read the books assigned etc. I loved school and the stories.
I wrote reflection papers and in Grade 7 received honourable mentions about my insight into arranged marriages by my social studies teacher.
I found my love of poetry in Grade 9, and by Grade 10 I was accused of plagiarism by my English teacher because my poems were so good, I couldn’t have written them, since I could not write an essay to save my life. 😛
Through these poems, I first started to put words to the abuse that I felt. The one at stood out the most, was the one I titled “the monster inside me”. I was so afraid someone would find this, that I folded it into the tiniest rectangle and hid it in the crack between my dresser and mirror. Back then, I felt debilitating shame about the fact that I was abused, I didn’t know yet, that is what it was called. I just felt like an evil child, that no one had yet discovered, because I was so sweet and loved by others.
Then, I discovered journalling, and in writing, for the first time, disclosed that I was sexually abused to my parenting teacher, for our journalling project. Thanks to her braveness, I learned that its still abuse even if you became aroused. I then slowly learned, I wasn’t a monster or an evil child. (Thank God!)
Since age 16, I have been writing in my journals. I then started a blog. When it became popular amongst people who knew me, I felt vulnerable/exposed and shut down. I did not write for many years, until I decided to start this blog, this time keeping it anonymous. Again, when I received validation and views, I again, began to feel exposed, fear and doubt creeped in.
I will be honest. I have let fear keep me from writing. But I have also been connecting with my authentic self. She loves writing, she is very creative. She can paint, dance, sculpt, decorate, you name it. So now, I am going to try my best to be brave again, and continue with my journey of writing, because it is also my journey of authenticity, self-expression, and joy from sharing my true self with others. 🙂