I’m turning 37 this year. I have been a child/teen for just as long as an adult, and while I do feel I’ve come a long way, the trauma still, doesn’t completely disappear.
I am so proud of how far I have come in my healing journey. I can now have a relationship with my parents, especially my mom. But, here I am, having another thing to grieve.
A very painful thing happened. Something I didn’t even tell all my closest friends like I would have in the past. I don’t want to talk about it, feel it as much. I just want to cope, compartmentalize, and be okay. I have a lot to do and I want to just function.
Denial. I have been denying how disconnected I feel from others and not accepting fully, the grief, fear, loss, loneliness and self-doubt that I have been feeling. This pandemic has been so hard. It has been hard to deal with being so far physically and also approach wise from others during this pandemic. I feel alone in it. I want others to be on the same page as me, but I see they struggle to cope and can’t deal with the pandemic, impact on their mental health and covid fatigue. I am grateful I have had more emotional resources and privilege to cope better but also I have found it hard not to say something to others when they are really crossing a line in my opinion. But realistically, just generally, when I feel they have made a poor choice. I am learning to let go and let god, yet I am doubting myself, if I am a good person, a good friend/family member, if I have value to others or if I have just ruined it with everyone. See exaggerated thoughts here. Sigh.
My mom doesn’t believe I was sexually abused. In fact, she told my cousin not to hang out with me too much because I might accuse him of sexually abusing me.
Shock.
All I can say. I made my peace with her not believing me. It was hard but at least she had pretended to believe me. Then this just shattered me. I can’t talk about it really. I don’t want to burden others with negativity especially when everyone is in survival mode and has enough of their own stuff going on. I have been able to talk to her normally on the phone but I don’t know how I feel. I say I’m fine but now I am not so sure. The good thing is I know when my mental health is declining and I know how to work on it. And I am doing that and committed to doing more of it.
Still, here I am. In a tough spot again. Wanting to be connected to my extended family. Wanting to be myself. Wanting to prioritize my relationship and feelings which is my birth right instead of my parents’ rediculous grudges and hurt feelings or fears. Still, a very hard process to do so.
So now what?
That is the question. I have already spent a lot of time not having a relationship with my parents and I don’t want to cut them out again. I know in the long run I will regret the lost time. Just like I do now with my Papaji and cousins. Yet, continuing my relationship with my mom now, with friends/family where I feel so alone at times in who I am, and don’t like my flaws and am hard on myself for them, all of these coming together at once, feels …. something. It is a lot yet I am usually okay or maybe that is denial too.
Sigh.
I want to feel better again, move to a higher vibrational energy again, enjoy meditation again. Yet there is a lot of shame and sadness inside me. Not just for me, but for the pains of people I love and what they are going through too. A lot of grief right now and also not as much connection with others.
I told myself I wasn’t going to chase people. And that was better for my mental health. Showing up as I am, weaknesses and all was also overall good for me. I wasn’t wrong when I have expressed myself even if it did hurt others’ feelings. Tolerating the disconnect is hard though, on top of more disconnection that has nothing to do with my actions but a result of the pandemic. These pandemic pains feel very hard at times even for me.
So I guess, my only option is to focus on what I can control. I can control showing up and being present – that is where life is happening. Engage with those that are wanting to engage with me, even if it isn’t the same ppl I normally find comfort in. Practice some self-compassion, remember I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to disagree, and express my concerns to others. Even when I am blunt, I am not disrespectful to the other person. Practice compassion with myself and recognize that saying things doesn’t change peoples opinions/beliefs [based on research], so instead of creating disconnection from others because I am upset, I will create more space between the stimulus and response. I will pray, meditate, tolerate my discomfort more, and only express myself via phone or in person vs. text and only express something if I need to set a boundary or express a need of mine, vs. dropping knowledge, criticizing, pursuing them to be better or secretly wanting them to agree with me or be better so I can feel closer to them. This is not fun for them and not fun for me. I am more than a therapist, I am a person who deserves to be loved for who she is and not just for what she can do for others or how put together or zen she seems to be at all times.
Thanks for reading!
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